Shook

Remember that time I came to you in casualty?

You’d had a seizure on the taxi cab floor

That was the last time I came to support you.

Then you supported me

at her funeral.

After that, we were done.

Remember you looked surprised to see me there?

Like I wouldn’t come.

Like I wouldn’t have run

to see if you were ok.

You couldn’t even remember passing out.

I was in bed when your friend called

I didn’t hear right,

Just went into panic and action

Forgot Uber existed

Got a black cab.

Sixty quid. I still resent that.

After eight years, it was like we were married

but we never were.

Later, I realised why.

Remember that student nurse?

She fucked up taking your blood

Your heart was racing

Like it had so many nights before

For different reasons.

I joked with you and calmed you down.

Remember that Asian doctor – how young he looked?

But it wasn’t him, young

It was us, old.

Was this a wake up call?

A sign?

Did it start to change your mind?

I remember

your clothes on the chair

you in a hospital gown – like Rick

Wires going in

Wires coming out of your skin.

Ok, I nicked that part.

You probably don’t remember

That I was wearing my fluffy jumper

with the lovehearts on.

I don’t wear it anymore.

We were so tired when we got out.

5am on those cold leather seats

Magic on the radio

Magic tree on the mirror.

Thank God. Relief.

We held hands.

We got home.

Now it’s just my home.

I still remember climbing into bed that morning.

I sometimes wonder,

did something in your brain change then?

Maybe that’s why everything got ruined

Maybe it wasn’t your fault

Or mine.

It’s easier if I tell myself

It wasn’t your fault

Or mine

It was just your brain

shaking

It was just that your brain got shook

Like your body shook after

Like everything shook after.

It’s still shaking.

A year has turned into two.

I’m still shaking.

Are you?




_______________

Japanese keyboard

If we scroll back far enough,

Can we be OK again?

Back among the lovehearts and lips. 

💋💗💋💗💋💗💋💗💋💗💋💗

Your voice before we met

Your voice inside my head

Emotions

Emoticons

But now you’re gone.

💀💀💀

_________________________

Box set

I haven't watched a film for six months.

I keep saving up things for us to watch

But I can't face them alone

I can't face outside alone

Our private jokes without a home.

You'll never know

if Glenn dies under the dumpster

(he didn't, but...)

You'll never get to see crappy season 7

to find out if Negan is scary.

Well, spoiler alert, he's not.

You never got to finish your book.

Just kidding, you never read a book

You could barely finish a magazine in the loo

Without soaking it through

with the shower head and the curtain

not pulled over quite right.

I miss your soggy magazines

Complaining about overuse of shower gel

Complaining about things I would kill or die to have again

It felt like nothing at the time

But it was a life.

It was right.

Now I'm soaking everything through

And not in a good way.

And our cat on the landing gone, too

And my heart: dead, like the pair of you

Now all that's left is cat hair, crumbs and

Silence

I'm still waiting for the next bit to start.

When’s it gonna start?




_____

A written rap battle

You took my skeleton hand

down streets

where red and pink lights

had twinkled days before

Now naked buildings

shivered in the cold

but my hand was warm in

your gloved embrace.

Back in your room

you told me a story

of colours like ice,

nazi dictators

and a place where everyone could

read each other’s thoughts.

Then you looked at me,

and I knew.

You promised me tiles to build

a safe place to hide.

You showed me another way,

A way to be free like you.

Later,

In my dreams

we were covered in snow

Tiles painted with ravens

cracked like mirrors.

But when I woke

you were laughing

Everything around you

was pink

and orange

and I was yours.

______________________

Love

Counting

the dead

animals

that line

the motorway

edge

I miss you.

___________________