Spen

I’ll think of you

in spray paint stencilled dreams

The star speckled sky

A chattering of skulls

A purple stippled butterfly

The cosmos, a blinking eye.

Your art will live on

Your heart will, too.

Do you know how much

you were loved?

So many friends.

The messages came through

in white and blue

‘Sensitive, kind, caring’

Your humour, passion,

Your intelligence and talent.

But let’s be real:

We knew your bad side, too

But was that really even you

or just something that possessed you?

One day:

I thought we’d sit and talk

Figure it out

Put those teenage years to bed

Pencil in the gaps

Pour colour in the cracks.

The last thing I said to you:

‘Next summer, things will be different’

And they will.

You died trying

Died making a change

Sketching a new life

Looking to a future that never came.

I’ll think of you 

when I hear those tunes

that connect us

Deeper than anyone knew

On silver stars

in spray paint stencilled dreams

I’ll remember you.

___________

Shook

Remember that time I came to you in casualty?

You’d had a seizure on the taxi cab floor

That was the last time I came to support you.

Then you supported me

at her funeral.

After that, we were done.

Remember you looked surprised to see me there?

Like I wouldn’t come.

Like I wouldn’t have run

to see if you were ok.

You couldn’t even remember passing out.

I was in bed when your friend called

I didn’t hear right,

Just went into panic and action

Forgot Uber existed

Got a black cab.

Sixty quid. I still resent that.

After eight years, it was like we were married

but we never were.

Later, I realised why.

Remember that student nurse?

She fucked up taking your blood

Your heart was racing

Like it had so many nights before

For different reasons.

I joked with you and calmed you down.

Remember that Asian doctor – how young he looked?

But it wasn’t him, young

It was us, old.

Was this a wake up call?

A sign?

Did it start to change your mind?

I remember

your clothes on the chair

you in a hospital gown – like Rick

Wires going in

Wires coming out of your skin.

Ok, I nicked that part.

You probably don’t remember

That I was wearing my fluffy jumper

with the lovehearts on.

I don’t wear it anymore.

We were so tired when we got out.

5am on those cold leather seats

Magic on the radio

Magic tree on the mirror.

Thank God. Relief.

We held hands.

We got home.

Now it’s just my home.

I still remember climbing into bed that morning.

I sometimes wonder,

did something in your brain change then?

Maybe that’s why everything got ruined

Maybe it wasn’t your fault

Or mine.

It’s easier if I tell myself

It wasn’t your fault

Or mine

It was just your brain

shaking

It was just that your brain got shook

Like your body shook after

Like everything shook after.

It’s still shaking.

A year has turned into two.

I’m still shaking.

Are you?




_______________

Japanese keyboard

If we scroll back far enough,

Can we be OK again?

Back among the lovehearts and lips. 

💋💗💋💗💋💗💋💗💋💗💋💗

Your voice before we met

Your voice inside my head

Emotions

Emoticons

But now you’re gone.

💀💀💀

_________________________

Box set

I haven't watched a film for six months.

I keep saving up things for us to watch

But I can't face them alone

I can't face outside alone

Our private jokes without a home.

You'll never know

if Glenn dies under the dumpster

(he didn't, but...)

You'll never get to see crappy season 7

to find out if Negan is scary.

Well, spoiler alert, he's not.

You never got to finish your book.

Just kidding, you never read a book

You could barely finish a magazine in the loo

Without soaking it through

with the shower head and the curtain

not pulled over quite right.

I miss your soggy magazines

Complaining about overuse of shower gel

Complaining about things I would kill or die to have again

It felt like nothing at the time

But it was a life.

It was right.

Now I'm soaking everything through

And not in a good way.

And our cat on the landing gone, too

And my heart: dead, like the pair of you

Now all that's left is cat hair, crumbs and

Silence

I'm still waiting for the next bit to start.

When’s it gonna start?




_____