Gulls

Two years

we kept

two stones

as we stitched

and laced our dream.

Two stones from

Brighton beach.

We pictured

drives along the coast,

healthy living

and a little life

waiting for us

when we got back home.

We got salt,

that much we got.

We filled up buckets

but not with our hands.

Now we ride back to London

Not defeated.

I can still see us

sitting in deckchairs

I can still see the sea from here.

_____________________

Better off

After you beat her

(not straight after,

but soon after)

My mum left

me with you.

She repeated

like a prayer

how you would never

hurt me

Never lay a finger on me.

I was safe with you.

And I was.

Each month

I would call her

hysterical

over some

act of non-violence.

A door torn off

A smashed TV

My brothers

fighting,

but not play fighting:

one throwing the other

down the stairs

one (the same one)

hitting the other with a

baseball bat.

And my dad,

Well, he did his best

Gave me money for the chip shop

and told me mum

loved her new family

better

that she had new children now.

______________________

You are my nicotine patch dream

You came via electro mail

And gave

the crushing drudge

of twenty four

after twenty four

after twenty four

some punctuation.

Before you

I was

chasing a hearto

mainlining sweets

of both kinds

Now,

I’m still part

slow motion suicide          

But laughing

Let’s cuckold old age

Who wants to live in bungalows

via panic buttons

anyway.

Marks

Two little bruises

give you away

one on my right wrist

one on my left.

Imprints of your thumbs

as you held me

like I was the only thing

keeping you afloat.

Now just smudges,

like newspaper print

but the stain of you

lingers.

I touch them

to remind myself

for one moment

I was needed.

Now I watch them

yellow

into the pink of my skin

like leaves

rotten.

Death wish

Sometimes

I wish

I was terminally ill

so I could quit work

forever,

guilt-free.

We could sit

on the bed and

play board games

and you’d make my dinner

for me.

And when you weren’t here

I could read magazines,

write a diary

and watch trash TV.

And you’d have to be nice,

if you liked it or not

Whatever I said,

You’d agree.

____________________

It is what it is

Everything happens for a reason

Except rape and earthquakes.

What goes around comes around

Unless you get away with it.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

Unless it’s a stroke.

Tomorrow’s another day

But not if you die in your sleep.

Karma’s a bitch

No, karma’s a fairy story

Rich boys get off murder raps

Babies die the day they’re born

Or before.

Oh well.

Time heals all wounds.

It’s just sometimes

you have to 

wait

forever.

__________________

James

You are my ton of bricks, I can’t see anything but you.

I want to fold up inside you, safe beneath your skin.

Alone I’m on stand-by

Only you can resurrect me.

________________________